I had a dream the other night that featured me wearing a top I wore in high school. That was a long time ago, folks, yet I recalled the exact color, shape and even texture. I could feel it against my fingers. Why, out of all the things that happen in a life, would that top be something I remembered in a dream? Patterns. Circles. The dream made me recall my life at that age, which was oh so long ago. I remembered wanting to be a writer back then. It’s taken a while, but I’ve finally reached that youthful goal.
Every step we take in life connects us to the next one. There are so many things in life that I wish had not happened, yet without them, would I be who I am today? Would my writing be what it is today? All these connections make us who we are.
I know I’m babbling a bit tonight. I realized today that I have been letting little things hold me back in my writing. I had to come full circle today to see that, yes, I am utterly sensitive when it comes to my work and that I must get some distance from it before I can hear criticism. Eventually, I am quite able to look at the work honestly and even harshly to edit it into the best it can be–but before that point, I can be devastated by the slightest hint that something might be wrong with it. I will follow that one little hint round and round, like a mouse on a wheel, falling deeper into despair.
I shake my head now at this thought, wondering at my silliness. How could I let a few words upset my apple cart quite so much? The girl in that pale blue and white top in high school could tell you how it happened. That is where and when the lack of self-confidence was felt most keenly. And it just kept on repeating, flowing into larger circles in my life. But now, many years later, I can see the circle happening and do something about it. I can jump off the wheel before too many revolutions have gone by and make a change. Yes, there was a crisis of confidence, but it’s past now, over and done with and I’m ready to write again. Yay! The drama is over! The angst is gone! Woot!
Yeah, I know, those last few exclamation points weren’t actually necessary.